Sparkling One-Liners and Inspiring Quotes

One-Liners and Short Quotes

Why did the pencil go to therapy? It had too many sharp thoughts.

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If Mondays had a face, I'd draw a mustache on it.

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I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

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Cookies make everything better — except math tests.

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My brain has too many tabs open... and none of them are doing homework.

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I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode.

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Why do clouds never need tissues? Because they just let it all out!

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Being early to school should be a superpower.

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I don't need an alarm clock — my dreams always end at math class.

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If giggling burned calories, I'd be invisible.

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My pet rock listens better than my brother.

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I asked for a sign, and my cereal spelled ‘LOL.’

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Books are proof that magic exists and doesn't even need batteries.

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I didn't fail the test, I just found 10 ways that don't work.

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I tried to play hide and seek, but nobody missed me.

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My homework isn't lost… it's just on a secret mission.

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If you can't find sunshine, try being the lamp.

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Even mirrors crack when I dance — I must be awesome!

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My shoes have more adventures than I do.

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I'm not short — I'm concentrated awesome.

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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

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I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

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The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

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When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

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Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

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I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

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How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

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OK, so what's the speed of dark?

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Black holes are where God divided by zero.

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If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

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He who hesitates is boss.

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As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never.

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