Money, money, money
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want
totake away your pain and suffering...
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A more true Friend you will never find:-)
Espirit de spirit
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his
passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a
bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his
friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed,
but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy
from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.
So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make
a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member
of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on
his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I
have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe,
for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one
fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The
other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you
sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that
ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf
ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot
and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball
floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost
among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf
ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late,
the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you
going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is
fluourescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks,
"Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He
grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord,
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Do your homework - step by step
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend
from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can
both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If
your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one
of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair
in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since
fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the
way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it-- I mean it!
As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing
yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the
university, and the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue;
savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing
something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in
less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt.
Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.
Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious,
trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the
25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had
to write the paper.
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